How to push and pull in a relationship

Push Pull Relationships - Depression Help

how to push and pull in a relationship

Push-pull relies on the selfish principle that the person who cares the least in a relationship has the most power. Do you understand the push-pull phenomenon that drives most relationships? Do you even know whose side you're on? This basic principle in. Push Pull relationships You may be wondering what a 'push pull' relationship is and whether you have ever experienced one. It's a common dynamic that.

Both stances create a self-reinforcing cycle. While it takes time and work, you can break this costly cycle. Withdrawers need to soothe their fears of engulfment, communicate and participate more with their partner, and be more transparent. Pursuers need to soothe their fears of abandonment, reality test their worst-case scenarios, and be more self-reliant.

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Both individuals need to stop seeing their partners as either the problem or potential solution. For a pursuer who is desperate to discuss relationship issues, an hour talking about a relationship may provide just a taste.

But to a withdrawer, an hour may feel endless and overwhelming.

  • The Push-Pull Relationship

By the same token, for a withdrawer, a day without contact may feel like a breath of fresh air, while to the pursuer it may feel like torture. It helps if withdrawers reassure pursuers that there will be time to talk and spend time together. That can allow a pursuer to self-soothe. This can allow a withdrawer to feel free to move closer without fearing they will lose themselves. Pursuers fear being alone and tend to believe that if only their partner would stop distancing, their anxiety would go away.

Withdrawers fear being overwhelmed and tend to believe that if only their partner would stop pressuring them, their anxiety would disappear.

how to push and pull in a relationship

Deep down, both want connection, love, and to be seen and accepted for who they are. Anxiety can bring out the worst in us, triggering primal fears and primitive coping behaviors.

how to push and pull in a relationship

In truth, pursuers need to calm their anxiety by coming to know they are sufficient and okay on their own. Withdrawers need to calm their anxiety by learning that they can get close without being destroyed.

These realizations give both partners the power to manage their anxiety. For example, a couple can designate an hour, an afternoon, or a day in which one person gets to decide what they do and whether they do it together. The next hour, afternoon or day, switch roles. This way each partner can experience knowing their time will come to have their needs met. If we see our partner as uncaring, we may grow self-protective, critical or dismissive. I am going for a run now.

Sharing your vulnerabilities is one of the key reasons we seek a primary partner. If you were raised in a dysfunctional family with insecure attachment styles, you may have inherited a win-lose, top-bottom, zero-sum-game worldview of people and relationships.

how to push and pull in a relationship

This may feel so familiar that you know no other model. However, the template for living that you inherited is not one that you must endlessly carry out.

The Push-Pull Relationship | HuffPost

Magic can happen when pursuers can tell their partners: After just the first few months or sometimes weeks! Feeling uneasy and clearly disturbed by her lover's sudden change, the puller begins to pull him back in by making herself more sexually desirable or in many cases, by simply acting aloof and uninterested, which sparks the pusher to think he is losing his prey or that his princess may have gotten over her pulling ways.

The push-pull starts off very slowly in the beginning.

how to push and pull in a relationship

But as the relationship continues, the push and the pull can become a daily fixture in this already intense relationship or at least a regular occurrence for the once happy couple. One is always running while the other is always chasing.

Advice for Relationship Push/Pulls

They go back and forth while narrowly coming face-to-face with one another. But it's when they turn to see each other in between chases when the passion ignites and the world seems to stand still. The love they feel in these fleeting moments are what keep the relationship alive.

Both the pusher and the puller believe that the love they feel in the interim is why they are "meant to be. The pulling away typically happens when the relationship seems to be going exceptionally well -- usually right after that interim of deep and meaningful connection.

7 Ways to Overcome a Push-Pull Dynamic in Your Relationship

This occurs because the intimacy was getting too intense for the pusher, who may start a fight seemingly out of nowhere, to get the push-pull started once again.

He may even go back to seeing his ex, the previous puller, or cheat for temporary relief. To make matters worse, lying has become his favorite past time. Whatever the case, the pusher is suddenly shut down and unavailable. This is the most confusing aspect of this dance for the puller, who is blindsided by this reckless behavior.

After all, everything was going so well and looking just like the beginning again! And in a way, it was The typical shelf life for this relationship is about two years and both the pusher and the puller have the same fears -- making it obvious that these two are bound for disaster.

The common fears that the pusher and puller share are intimacy and abandonment.